For those of you who know me, you know that my weight has been with me for probably as long as you know me, whether up or down, it’s always been a part of me – quite a thing when you look at your before and after pics and your after pics are not the pretty ones you want to post all over websites, instead they are the kind you hide. It’s a life time of not just smiling for the camera, but sucking in, squeezing to the back of everyone and getting the right angle for the least amount of chins! It’s the designer pose lying on your tummy on the bed with your bum off the edge – that way hiding all the rolls and not so photogenic spots! If there is a way to mask to the signs of times then I am the master J!
You have all heard the stories of the wonderful moments with my children, but I can tell you there are times I look at my muffin top and the stretch marks which look like designer icing and I think for you, you who has added grey hairs to my head and rolls to my midriff I have a body that seems will never be the same again! I have these wonderful friends who have had multiple births and looks like Miss Fitness SA on any given day – this plays havoc with your self confidence. So much so that I spent years making excuses not to see people and still find myself warning anyone I haven’t seen for a long time that they are about to meet my unique physique, so whilst their eyes may want to fall out I ask that the shock be shown once I leave…even with my high level of self confidence this is my weakness after all!
I think my body has a contest with the scale – the more I try to eat right, the more my body decides it wants to beat the scale so I never win! More than that, I am not the big girl who thinks ‘Oh my, I have no idea why I look like this, I never eat’, I know my problem I don’t want to eat the best choice all the time, I want to sit on a cold winters night and dip a wedge of ciabatta with thick butter in to a hot bowel of delicious soup, I want a second helping of a scrumptious potjie, I do try to make the better choices more than the bad choices but as I get older my body and weight have become good friends you know, they don’t want to leave each other! A part of me knows I shouldn’t stand in their way but a part of me knows I need to beat this once and for all if I truly care about what I weigh!
Right now my life is a little up and down, with the stresses I seek comfort in Ouma’s breakfast rusks and to truly comfort me they park themselves between the Camembert, the hot fries and extra piece of pizza, on my thighs, my stomach and any other part welcoming them.
One thing is for sure – at 35, bordering on 36, I know I need to beat the bulge, but also know that my hubby, kids and friends love me, whether I am a size 12 or a size 18! I get one chance at this life and I can’t spend it hiding because the world can see my weakness. I need to confront it and know that as the rest of my life falls in to place, which it will, I may not feel the need to punish my body – I wait patiently for that day when my willpower comes back – it’s been on a really long holiday as far as food as concerned, I know it still frequents my being as I have been cigarette free since November 2005! If I could lose that addiction I know I can lose the food addiction too, my body screams out “here I am skinny chick well hidden in layers of comfort food waiting to escape!”
For what it’s worth, live your life, face each day as a new challenge and don’t hide from the world because you have a weakness, instead rise up and say come on friends hold my hand and help me climb out of this padding!
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